you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize