i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
