i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
