i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
