i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
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