Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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