if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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