Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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