I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
she smelled like a LAN party
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
