I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
smell my finger.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
