I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
