I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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