Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
