don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
