He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
