I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
