I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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