Since when is my name a synonym for head?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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