Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
