We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
