i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize