whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize