she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
