i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize