Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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