i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
