my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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