wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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