This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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