I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
