I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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