Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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