come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
