can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
