Already got asked if we're dating
did you get engaged???
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
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