I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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