he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Send help, water and tortillas.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
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