you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
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