Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
