I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Randomize
