guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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