Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
