then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
