He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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