Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
