This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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