Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
