How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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