I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
