I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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