I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
