and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Everclear isn't food dammit
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
