Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
