My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
