Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
