If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
