Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
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