i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize