Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
