mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize